I know it been about three months since I last posted. Life been keeping me on my toes, but it all good. I made new friends, and I am now working in my filed of study. Anyway, that is not what this post is about. It is about how I feel, so sit back and grab a cookie.
As you all know by now, I don’t have the father- daughter relationship with my own father. If you don’t know I suggest reading my blogs title “Because of You.” I think you will understand me better, and where I am coming from better once you read those blogs. Anyway, the reason why I am writing this is because today something happen and it got me thinking. My cousin and my mom took a short out of the city trip, since it was in route my “father” came back with them. During that time, I was picking up my younger brother. My mom, cousin and father got home first. Now in my cultural you are to kiss on the cheek once and say hello. As soon as I walked in the house, I had a small moment where I wasn’t sure if that was my “father” or not so I did not say anything. I just went to put my stuff in my room. However, I did say hey how was the trip before I put my things away. My mom immediately says did you say hi to your dad, and I said Hi (insert nickname). Which is what I always called him since I was little. As I am grabbing food that they brought back, my cousin grabs my arm and whisper “go give a kiss on the cheek to you dad.” I simply shake my head in a no motion. She was surprise and left it at that my mom later explain to her why I never to barely do it. Yet, this got my thinking he is an older man, who doesn’t show emotion because he doesn’t know how to, or because he simply doesn’t want to. However, am I being to harsh? Do I have the right to be the way I am towards him? I do know forgiveness is a major concept but I do not know if I can. Every time he comes my mom get into this moods where she piss off at everything and everyone calling everyone a piece of s****. She not happy because he always running her plans and we can not talk money around him because he wants to spend all the money we make and not give. Every time he calls me it is not to say hi how are you? It more of like can you do this for me? He only comes home once a week and each day he talks how my brother is now a man and needs to do certain things for him self. He also wants to tell me what to do, and I think that my biggest issue. Not that he wants to tell me what to do, but the issue that now he wants to be a “father”. I am in my early 20s’ and have depended on my mom for the basic of food,water shelter and a lot more. I have also depend and defend myself throughout all of my life. Do you think he knows that I was bullied during elementary school and even college? Do you think he knows the reason why I stayed back a year? Does he know that I can cook pretty well? Or that I write my own music? Or that I can play guitar and piano? All is No, and before you jump to conclusion and be like “Have you tired fixing your relationship?” The answer is yes, I have made the effort to years ago (during high school) but like always he was never around. He only comes around when its necessity to him, to act like he is the man of the household or to get food because he does not have food at his other location. Yes, he rents out a hotel room for God knows what, instead of actually being here with my mom. He already lost my respect, and my brother, I forgive him and myself because at the end of the day, both my brother and I at least tried to fix the relationship. He “father” just didn’t care for it.