Exhausted Once More

Tears once again,insults,shade thrown each and every day. I lack motivation to do anything anymore. I feel like Cinderella trap in a house being a maid and being called names. I try telling them to stop but they won’t listen. I try to act tough but they see my weakness. I try not to spend much time in my own house. I go to nature to easy my mind,the water clams my shaking. Promises I made long time ago of staying close, well I want to break them. There only so much abuse I can take. People keeping saying I’m stronger than I know and that I’m a fighter but I’m exhausted from fighting and I’m getting weaker with each day that passes. Both physically and emotionally, my costochondritis is getting worse my breaking point was because my mom refuse to take me to the ER at 2am in the morning because she wasn’t feeling well herself. Which I understand,but when she utter the words “be more considerate of me” that hurt a lot more than the pain I was feeling in my chest. When my “father” decided to say “we packing up and moving down south” like always acting like he is the man of this household I wanted to yell at his cheating self,but I was in to much pain so I just went outside. When my brother constantly blames me for our lack of finance it hurts. I left Stetson because I was scared of my own safety, I almost got kill, but I still managed to do online classes and get my degree from them in December. Each day is a hell hole in that house, every check ,any money I make goes towards the house rent, I only get like 10-20 bucks to go out with friends. I’m constantly being asked when I work,how much I work, how much I make. I’m constantly being called an idiot, constantly hearing my mom saying “you must have mental issues” I’m constantly being judged by my own brother. I am not happy and all I want to do is leave. I have tried to talk to my mom to sell my things so that we both can make some extra and that I’m leaving and want to leave the state. Every time it the same thing how,with what money,you an idiot etc. I had enough to the point where I feel like a burden to everyone, thought of killing my self ,accepted my biggest fear of death. Yet, I was so weak that I couldn’t go through with it, instead I just hurt myself,but the pain didn’t go away. Losing faith in God, yet still going or streaming church service …I don’t know why. As I write this, I’m under a tree hidden from the roads, crying like I always do , thinking of how to get the hell away from this city and this torture of emotional abuse. Wanting to start over, with things I want to do and away from all of this.

Answers to questions you may have: the pain I was feeling in my chest , was new. It started on my right lower front rib, then it went to my back, then it went everywhere in the front. Once it got to the front I felt like my organs were being squeezed and twisted. My heart wanting to come out of my chest. I started thinking this is how I go out. I went outside to get some fresh air, they didn’t like that , so when I went back inside they hid the key. After my mom refused to take me to the ER and hid the keys.I snuck out to go to the ER and I don’t think she knows I went. They missed hiding one key.

This is not the 1st time my mom puts herself. Back in middle school I passed out at our local bakery and Mom didn’t want to go inside looking the way she did. In other words her outfit wasn’t fitting. She did eventually go in after my friends went to the car to grab her.

Every word that on the picture, is what I feel like and what they have made me feel like or have said at least three times a day.

I been writing songs , and blogs to keep me sane and from doing things mentioned above.

My friends have been helpful letting me stay at their places to hang or to sleep but I don’t want to intrude or get in the way of their lives so I just go out and go back “home” when there no one there.

I’m sharing this , because I’m sure I am not the 1st nor the last to go through this and maybe we can help each other. There are numbers to calls but I understand it’s scary to call that number to admit what going on because it makes it feel much real, and you rather go through it alone. But know you are not alone.

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